Actually, anorexia is pretty awesome

So, I took a day for myself, and here’s what I learned:
I accidentally ended up at some Lady of Milk place downtown. I’d never been there.

When I arrived, I was sad. Really sad. But there were trees and water and butterflies, so I stayed to walk around a bit.
I walked and read all the trees and markers. I read about people died in the 1800s, in the 1900s, old people, babies, good people, nuns, murders, parents, sisters, brothers… Every human on earth experiences loss and every creature that lives, dies. This is a fact, a universal truth that transcends every country on every continent, every religion, race, gender. I’m not special. I am not isolated by my grief. When it comes to loss, i am exactly the same as every single person on the planet.

20130220-235413.jpg

I started listing things actually are unique to my life:
* I am wearing flip flops.
* I don’t have to contend with snow.
* I live in a beautiful city that some folks save for years just to visit, but for now at least, it’s mine, in every moment.
* I fill my life with amazing, healing yoga

20130220-235847.jpg

I am really surrounded by some amazing blessings.

All of the effort I’ve been putting into getting better, has helped me to have the tools and skills needed to deal with this devastating week, in ways that aren’t detrimental to myself for one thing. But… It’s also, just, healthy ways to deal with strong emotions. Something that is just as challenging for people without eating disorders. So, I see it as coming out ahead of the game.

I had great yoga doubles tonight!!!! And I’m totally bummed to learn that I am missing out on some Mary Jarvis awesomeness in town this weekend.

Most amazing!

Today, I took 2 classes and a 3.5 hour posture clinic. I changed my clothes 3 times, drank tons of water, put away fruit like a champ, made a new friend, laughed more than I have in months, got to know some of the people I practice beside every day and even let go a little bit at the end to try something a little different. Normally, I’d be too afraid of what the others would think.

I am passionate about my yoga and work really hard, every time I’m in the studio. For me, it’s just about my self and the mirror and the dialogue. I don’t look around or pay too much attention to anyone else… But I will stop and cheer for my neighbor if I notice they are struggling. Everyone seems to know me though, especially during the clinic my fellow yogis wanted to watch ME. They wanted to ask about my yoga. Not my body. I know, that can seem like an unclear distinction, because you use your body to do the yoga. But their interest was in my devotion to the practice, not my weight.

6 hours into the day, near the end of the posture clinic, I complained that Shalabhasana hurt my arms and hips and even though I can do it. I hate it and either skip or don’t give my full effort in class because its painful. He stared at me, perplexed for a long time. Blinked his eyes then said “oh. You’re pretty thin. It’s just bones… I don’t know what to tell you.” But it was like the first time he even considered my size after hours of working together.

I love my self and my practice mates with growing intensity everyday. I want to be successful. There is really no place for anorexia in the hot room.

I ate a TON today… But not more than I burned. I contacted a nutritionist and will try again tomorrow.