Family Vacation

My cousin and a close friend both told me not to go, because I’ve been feeling kind of fragile and eating disorder-y lately. They said it’d be wiser to upset my mother, in order to protect myself.

I didn’t listen… But I should have.

My mother hates her children. She seriously hates us. I try so hard to be appeasing and kind and helpful. But she still yells at me a lot. Like all the time.

I didn’t eat one single thing Thursday-Saturday. There was a Whole Foods right by our hotel, but she wouldn’t let me go. Sunday, she needed to go somewhere and wanted company. I said I’d go, if she’d stop at Whole Foods so I could just run in. She said yes and was very sweet to me while we were driving. We had a family brunch when we got back and I asked if I could bring my yogurt to eat there with the family. She said yes again and was still very sweet.

The minute we sat down to start eating, she ripped into me. I am a selfish bitch. I don’t think of anyone but myself. I am stuck up. What the fuck is my problem. Do I think I’m too good to eat hotel food. Maybe I should know that she was paying $120 a night, and I should be more appreciative.

… There was simply NOTHING I could eat, anywhere. I wasn’t trying to be difficult.

Of course, the whole thing was so horrible and humiliating… I went to the bathroom and threw up as soon as I finished.

I’ve lost just shy of 20 pounds in the past two weeks, but my mother still thinks I’m a disgrace. I wish I knew how to be better.

Melting down like a polar ice cap

This whole school thing…

It’s not off to a stellar start. I had to show my teeth a little bit in order to get things done. I’m pretty sure everyone in Miami is now scared of me. It’s not the ideal way to make a first impression. Nothing was happening, so I fired off a polite, but firm email reminding the people down there that they have an obligation to make this education accessible to me. I also copied the Bishopzin, and a local deaf advocate.

Marcia tells a story about wanting a trashy magazine removed from her children’s eye level at the grocery store when they were little, so she told the manager that she was connected to a very big church and knew a lot of people who felt the placement of that particular magazine was inappropriate. In actuality, she had never spoken with anyone else about it, but when she gave herself an army, the situation was immediately resolved and the offending magazine was relocated.

So, with that story in mind, I not only advocated for myself, I created an army. Lemme tell ya, it worked!

I’m pretty sure no one will let my needs go ignored for the rest of my education there.

Still, it took time… time that was supposed to be already for learning. And it was stressful. It’s still stressful. I don’t do “wing-it” well. And I don’t do last-minute AT ALL. There’s been a lot of both happening these past two weeks, and it’s really taking a toll.

I’m sick. I didn’t work today, and probably won’t work tomorrow. I’ve lost 15 pounds. Monday night I spent hours throwing up from stress (not eating disorder). My throat hurts. My body hurts. The thought of eating hurts. Nothing is working right. I feel like I need a lot of extra support right now, and everyone around me is so busy, I just don’t want to ask.

I’m going on vacation with my mom this weekend, to visit her entire family. I don’t foresee that going well for me. I need support and consistency, not strange food with judgey relatives on someone else’s schedule.

Back to school

I started my classes for a degree in rec therapy this week.

I am taking upper level courses at a large, public university, for a degree that exists exclusively to serve people with disabilities.

Apparently, deaf people don’t exist in Miami. No doubt they’ve got a few deaf alligators down there, but deaf humans… Totally unheard of. <<< see what I did there? I'm hilarious.

I'm having a really hard time.

Chipping off

I’ve been doing good for a long time.

The anxiety from meeting my friend on Friday is snowballing and chipping away all the good stuff I’ve built.

I see it, but can’t stop.

I asked for help on my Facebook. “Please, local friends, will somebody eat with me today?” But no one did.

So I skipped dinner.

Um, actually, I have skipped lots of days.

To be honest, I’m not sure when the last time I didn’t skip was.

Too Fast

This weekend happened too fast. It was my first full week back after the holidays, which is tiring, and now the weekend is gone and I haven’t even gotten a chance to unwind!

Friday, my friend was supposed to come up around 12:30 to visit. Then she wasn’t coming at all, then she was coming, but later, then we were going to meet one place, then she changed it, then I couldn’t find it… By the time I got there, I was falling apart. We aren’t able to get together very often, but I love seeing her when we do. I spent the entire time so extremely tense. When I got home, my hands were bleeding from scratching them with my nails. I cried in Starbucks and told her making decisions is too hard sometimes, when she asked what I wanted.

Saturday, I had to cover babysitting 9-10:30 for the other sitter last minute, and was also scheduled to volunteer at Regionals 25 minutes away at 10:30. Being late for anything stresses me out… A LOT. The teacher ran over by 20 minutes and I scratched up my arms worrying about being late and driving there.

I had to go to a job right after the competition and I was starving. I ran into Publix for sushi on my way. But when I sat down for dinner with the baby… She stole it all.

Today, I had to babysit again, but there were no kids. Then I met a friend to go work with a behavior dog. I love really screwed up dogs, it’s true. There aren’t many things I find more fun than training with a challenging dog. But it’s draining.

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After the dog, I had another job. It’s the most stressful one I have, and I dread going every week, but can’t seem to tell them no. I was so anxious in the car before I went in, my heart was racing, I could hardly breathe and I thought I was going to die.

The kids were reliably difficult, and the parents ran over by about an hour. When I left, ALLLLL I wanted to do was go home and sleep. But I had to run in to Publix and The Fresh Market (both on the way), as I was driving home, already dreaming of jammies and my bed… I remembered that my brother is coming up and I promised him we could go for late night pizza at Mellow.

He’s running late.

I’m so tired and not ready for a new week.

Hmmm.

Well, that was a lot of words to say…

I’m having a hard time eating.

Dedicate

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Sometimes, the words for a situation simply do not exist, while the need to acknowledge is very much does. When my mom’s boyfriend was murdered two years ago, I couldn’t tell her anything to take away her sadness, but I wanted her to know I cared. The same when my Baby Sister’s young friend passed away a few months ago.

So I started this. I draw hearts on my feet, and dedicate my practice. I take pictures for the people I care about.

Today, I practice for Jordan. I think I’m out of tears, and flowery words, and heartbreak. 16 years ago today, my young friend was taken from us way too soon. Maybe that’s what they mean by “resolved” grief.

I have healed, but he will forever be a part of my story. So today, I dedicate my yoga to his memory.

Not good enough

My sister is home now. Her parents are going to take care of her now.

She thinks I’m a horrible person… and she doesn’t even know I told on her yet. She’s extremely mad at me.

We had been sitting at my kitchen table making a grocery list for about 4 hours, it’d been completed for a while but I couldn’t convince her to get back up to go to the store. After a while she said “Can we get back in the hot tub sometime today.” So I jumped up and ran to turn it on. I was kind of irritated because we’d just spent allllll day making a grocery list and it seemed dumb to wait for the hot tub to heat up, change, swim, and change again all before going to the store. I need to have a plan and stick to it. That’s a control thing, it’s just how I work. I really wanted to go to the store. I’m also, incredibly hyper, so the suggestion to do anything from my silent, surly, sister was thrilling. Suddenly I was presented with a way to make her happy and I could finally move! I ran to turn the hot tub on, but pointed out the inefficiency of swimming before shopping.

It was an all together WRONG reaction on my part. She keeps bringing it up over and over and over, like it’s somehow further proof that I’m the reason she should kill herself. I just wanted to get up from the table! Geez! I want her alive!

I took her to look at all the pretty houses on St. John’s Ave, and also to see the sign at the L’Engle house. The whole time, she just kept talking about how these houses couldn’t even compare to the massive houses in south Florida. It was like 12 minutes of her telling me I’d picked a stupid activity.

Last night, she asked me what we did that morning, so she could tell the family and I said “we went to look at the houses, but you didn’t like them, so maybe skip that part.” I didn’t want them thinking I was a horrible host, and still feel bad for trying to do something she hated enough to complain non-stop the entire time.

She said she liked the houses, and I was a bitch for not understanding that she just talks and says whatever pops into her head because it makes her feel better and I need to walk on eggshells around her because everything I say is fueling her negative self image, but she should be able to say anything she wants because it makes her feel better.

I took her to Chamblin’s. She LOVES books, especially old ones. I think of her every time I pass or go to Chamblin’s. I was excited to show her. She spent about 30 minutes inside looking around, then on the way home talked non-stop about how nothing could compare to some used bookstore called Powell’s in LA, and once you’d seen Powell’s nothing else could ever compare. She’s never been to Powell’s but she’s read the reviews on trip advisor and Powell’s is definitely better than Chamblin’s.

I am watching the landlord’s puppy while they are on vacation and he keeps pooping in his kennel. I have to keep taking it down the spiral stairs and cleaning it out. I spray it out with the hose and carry it back up. There were some turds on the ground, and every time Sister walked past, she held her hands up and flapped like when some people see a spider. She’d make a big dramatic show of hopping over each little piece and squealing “poooooop!” At one point I said “I’m doing the best I can.” I wasn’t picking it up each time because I was constantly worried about leaving her unattended for too long.

She spent most of the trip pointing out all of the ways I’m failing. And now keeps sending long detailed texts outlining all of that in great detail. She’s a lawyer, she loves to argue. And she’s extremely depressed, so I think she might be provoking an argument to fuel her self loathing. She’s setting me up to validate her suicidal feelings.

I didn’t play. I just said I was sorry and asked what I could do to help.

This, that’s going on with her right now, is her issue exclusively. It’s not about me at all.