Family Vacation

My cousin and a close friend both told me not to go, because I’ve been feeling kind of fragile and eating disorder-y lately. They said it’d be wiser to upset my mother, in order to protect myself.

I didn’t listen… But I should have.

My mother hates her children. She seriously hates us. I try so hard to be appeasing and kind and helpful. But she still yells at me a lot. Like all the time.

I didn’t eat one single thing Thursday-Saturday. There was a Whole Foods right by our hotel, but she wouldn’t let me go. Sunday, she needed to go somewhere and wanted company. I said I’d go, if she’d stop at Whole Foods so I could just run in. She said yes and was very sweet to me while we were driving. We had a family brunch when we got back and I asked if I could bring my yogurt to eat there with the family. She said yes again and was still very sweet.

The minute we sat down to start eating, she ripped into me. I am a selfish bitch. I don’t think of anyone but myself. I am stuck up. What the fuck is my problem. Do I think I’m too good to eat hotel food. Maybe I should know that she was paying $120 a night, and I should be more appreciative.

… There was simply NOTHING I could eat, anywhere. I wasn’t trying to be difficult.

Of course, the whole thing was so horrible and humiliating… I went to the bathroom and threw up as soon as I finished.

I’ve lost just shy of 20 pounds in the past two weeks, but my mother still thinks I’m a disgrace. I wish I knew how to be better.

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2 thoughts on “Family Vacation

  1. She gave you life, but she isn’t a mother! Yours or anyone else’s. Stay away from her Ericka. You’re not the problem. Anyone that would embarrass their child like that doesn’t deserve the title.
    She does this to you every chance she gets. Don’t blame yourself AT ALL. You’re a better daughter than most, putting up with her shit!
    Live your life the best you can, keep conversations to a minimum with her, but stay away! No one wants or can hear her abusive rants that way.
    I hope you feel better soon! Again, it’s not you! It’s her.

  2. I’ve seen this game with other mothers and daughters. And the rules are, that no matter what the daughter does, she’s wrong. The game has nothing to do with what the daughter does. It’s a game where what the daughter does is wrong. There are payoffs in there somewhere. But it’s important to understand that you will always be wrong no matter what. And if you’re “appeasing,” then you’re playing. You are under control. That’s your role in the game. You can make yourself sick trying to please, but it will never happen. That’s how the game is played. It’s an abusive relationship. The way out is to do what’s best for you – with a smile. Opt out of the game by making your own choices without trying to calculate whether it’s going to piss off a relative. Your mom is going to react badly no matter what you do, so you might as well suit yourself. Of course, when the punching bag leaves an abusive relationship, things usually get worse for a while.

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