My cousin and a close friend both told me not to go, because I’ve been feeling kind of fragile and eating disorder-y lately. They said it’d be wiser to upset my mother, in order to protect myself.
I didn’t listen… But I should have.
My mother hates her children. She seriously hates us. I try so hard to be appeasing and kind and helpful. But she still yells at me a lot. Like all the time.
I didn’t eat one single thing Thursday-Saturday. There was a Whole Foods right by our hotel, but she wouldn’t let me go. Sunday, she needed to go somewhere and wanted company. I said I’d go, if she’d stop at Whole Foods so I could just run in. She said yes and was very sweet to me while we were driving. We had a family brunch when we got back and I asked if I could bring my yogurt to eat there with the family. She said yes again and was still very sweet.
The minute we sat down to start eating, she ripped into me. I am a selfish bitch. I don’t think of anyone but myself. I am stuck up. What the fuck is my problem. Do I think I’m too good to eat hotel food. Maybe I should know that she was paying $120 a night, and I should be more appreciative.
… There was simply NOTHING I could eat, anywhere. I wasn’t trying to be difficult.
Of course, the whole thing was so horrible and humiliating… I went to the bathroom and threw up as soon as I finished.
I’ve lost just shy of 20 pounds in the past two weeks, but my mother still thinks I’m a disgrace. I wish I knew how to be better.